Recently I took a trip to my local Barnes & Noble bookstore for a slow cooker cookbook, which went against my newest promise to myself.  I have many such promises: cut back on sugar, garden more, make a dent in my ever-growing stack of reading.  The bookstore promise is a little different; my husband was in on this one.

He reminds me occasionally that we posses a robust collection of cookbooks, worthy of a card catalogue, and they are only occasionally used.  The irony here is that I really like to cook, but find I hardly have the time. So in I go for one to compliment my new slow cooker, a desperate attempt to make dinner-making easier.  As in, I don’t even have to be there for it to be cooking.  Genius!  I find a great one, repleat with sufficient pictures and make my way to the cash wrap.

On my way I notice the people in the store posses an unusual contentment about them.  Customers everywhere are loitering the racks and have a peaceful, even happy feeling exuding from them.  These people are happy to be shopping for books.  Why is this note worthy?  Well, it might not be, except for that I am planning on buying my first e-reader soon, which will make trips to the bookstore another in the growing list of warm, fuzzy memories; like all my childhood ‘80’s songs that are now considered oldies.  Since I am late to this party of Kindles, iPads and Nooks, what does this mean to the future of bookstores?  

Of the bookstores that were present in my community when I was growing up, only two still exits - they were all “mom and pop” stores.  Heck, even the Borders in my county went belly up last year. This feels important to me because the phenomenon of e-reading will continue to grow for both necessary and sad reasons.  First, if you are anything like me, you have run out of room to store more books.  Our shelves are bowing under the pressure, literally. Those cookbooks are heavy - it’s all the pictures.  And when you take into account the paper used in books, any good eco-concious person has to listen to their inner Gore, especially in my hood.

Yet, those last hold outs I wax nostalgic with over the smell of books and the feel of turning actual vs. virtual pages, serve as reminders to the benefit of standing against the virtualization of everything.  Increasingly, we are more disconnected from reality.  Another irony when you consider the proliferant reality shows to remind of us of what we are actually not doing ourselves.  Or that products like the iPad and Kindle FIre are praised because of how realistic they simulate human perception through high definition, etc.  By the way, I used my tree-killing paper Thesaurus to look up proliferant - it’s a real word.

So being that I am a therapist, I usually look for meaning in emotions, and seeing the happiness viscerally evident in that bookstore, it reminded me that this may be a dying form of happiness as the medium of paper books may wane over time, bowing to the electronification of our lives. That was totally not a word, just go with it.

Without my permission, I am faced by increasing information, postings, and coverage of the Twihard romance of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.  They’re called K-Pat for God’s sake! I can’t seem to get away from it and I actually like the books and movies.  .

The Huffington Post, OK!, Forbes.com and Examiner.com all have been posting articles about the ensuing reconciliation of the two after Kristen’s passionate affair with her director.  Who cares who this girl is in bed with!  Infidelity is a long standing issue on the track record of human beings, and certainly no stranger to Hollywood.  Why does it matter so much?  One very interesting reason: the way we interact with movies has changed - dramatically.  A real life couple who portrays an oncreen couple is no longer understood to be a separate entity, but reather one and the same.  So much so that the industry has caught on to the consequences.

It has been speculated that Summit Entertainment has offered counseling to the couple in an attempt to repair the potential box office damage for the upcoming final installment of Twilight in November.  They recognize that our culture has become so obsessed with celebrity that the average target audience of 12-30 year olds can no longer differentiate between what’s real and entertainment.  And when you consider the impact of statements from Rush Limbaugh, Todd Akin, Paul Ryan and even Mike Hukabee (yes, I am a Democrat), it’s even more astonishing that people believe it, so it’s worthy of concern!

In high school literature class I was introduced to the concept of willing suspension of disbelief .  It is a concept in story-tellng people, not something to incorporate into your daily lives.  We have somehow distorted that concept to reflect a growing disinterest in our own lives perhaps.  We are entertained only when we are faced with the pain and misbehavior of others or we when have deluded ourselves into merging their reality to their creation, pertaining to actors that is. This is dangerous territory because the limits are giving way to that distortion.

Actors should receive accolades for the parts they play, not how well they incorporate  them in their personas as well. If this continues, I postulate that we will see an increase in crime as people blur the line between reality and fantasy.  People will talk themselves into a relationship with those people that isn’t real, but then act on it as if it were. Remember the parasol on this in Friends when Brooke Shields’ character became infatuated with Matt LeBlanc?  It happens with increasing regularity now.  Reality shows are rarely reality anymore with the level of scripting that goes into it, a reflection of that mirage that pop culture is succumbing to.

A rich fantasy life is regarded in pediatric circles to be essential for healthy development in young children, leading to better problem-solving skills and increased self-soothing.  With maturity, some fantasy is still considered good in the bedroom and may even be linked to having a good perspective during those problem-solving times I just mentioned.  There seems to be an increasing departure from that healthy level of fantasy however.  Twilight is just a movie, people.  Robert will not live forever, Kristen is really smarter than her vapid character and Taylor, I promise, will not phase into a wolf.

I also find it very interesting how the fan base has reacted to Kristen’s infidelity, shaming her and even threatening her life.  The manner in which we attack women for behavior condoned in men is downright cruel. If the tables were turned, Robert would not be accosted with a scarlet letter.

Equality is such a lofty goal really.  Striving to make people or things uniform and accepted as such when there are so many inherent differences.  It seems everywhere I look equality is on the forefront of people’s agendas.  But is it really possible?

Now that we’re on the other side of the political conventions, one of the clear themes to emerge, beside the constant volley of who’s lying and who holds the truth trademark, is that even though our country is enlightened enough to elect a black president, our country I not enlightened enough to accept him.  Our entire country, that is. It is painfully obvious that Obama is hated first for his skin color and then, almost as if as a desperate attempt to gather evidence, his opposition tacks on his foreign policy or approach to rebuilding the economy.  Thankfully blatant bigotry will not fly so they couch it in all the other rhetoric.

We know the country was not ready for a Jewish candidate courtesy of Joe Lieberman.  It appears as if a female president is in the same category, even when she displays the same characteristics as her male counterparts. 

Female candidates should not have to project themselves in masculine traits in order to be taken seriously.  Female leaders can lead, and still be women thank you very much.  I wonder what Hilary would say on the matter.  In Miss Representation, it is clear that women adopt these traits in order to gain acceptance in the majority, but then are crucified for it in the media, where their femininity and sexuality is trashed as if by a pack of dogs.

The larger question is why can’t we see groups different from ourselves as equal?

Why is it necessary to point out that 60% of the US gold medals were won by women?  At the heart of the movement, feminism really advocates for the simple fact that we shouldn’t make more out of one group’s abilities over another’s.  We shouldn’t have to point out that women excel, just like men.  Utopian perhaps. 

As a parent I struggle with fairness too.  Mostly because my kids won’t let me forget or let it go.  With a boy and a girl there will be certain unavoidable issues triggering fairness; clothes for example.  With the simple difference in age, there comes inherent inequality.  My 4-year-old daughter cannot accept that she is not allowed to watch the same movies as her 7-year-old brother.  Nor can she grasp why she is not ready for sleepovers when her brother has them. I will admit that I have adopted the “fairness is not my focus” attitude with the sibling issues.  With 3 years between them there will be imbalances for a long time, and I’m not about to start counting pieces of food or trinkets to assure them they have an equal share.  If you’re not familiar with “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”, you should be.  It rolls off the tongue very easily.

Since equality will not reign supreme in our domestic life, can we then expect it in our larger society?  The struggle has been waging for centuries to be sure and takes into account many aspects of human life: gender, culture, religion, race, age.  I would have added creed, but I have no idea what that is.                                                                   I don’t want to teach my kids that they can’t expect fair and equal treatment in their jobs or gender roles.  But I also find I have to prepare them for realistic fights on those fronts. Is it realistic of me to expect and enjoy when a man opens the door for me, but also hope for and expect gender equality?  I open doors for other women, by the way.  Just sayin.

Is equality having your cake and eating it too?  There will always be good and bad sides to everything, it is the yin yang philosophy that governs our world.  I guess I’m hopeful that we can really work toward accepting the totality of our selves and our fellow beings without forcing changes upon them.  It’s a hard and brutal history to work against with slavery, mass murder, inquisitions, terrorism, pogroms, holocausts as our predecessors.  As Hilary Clinton said today in response to the slaying of our ambassador, our country was founded with acceptance in mind.  Yet we still don’t live it.

Ghandi said it simply: be the change you want to see in the world.

I wrote the following article for a local publication in my community, Ross Living.  I based this piece on the myriad of clients I see that struggle with finding happiness in what they think they should be doing.

In today’s lifestyle, it is easy to get sidetracked with multi-tasking and competing for the next must-have item to complete our lives.  As a psychotherapist I find I am confronted with people not just troubled by the issues in their relationships, but just as often troubled by the nagging feeling that they aren’t enjoying what they are living each day.

Enjoying your life is no longer the stuff of Hallmark cards or seasonal tv movies.  Institutions like The Greater Good Society in Berkeley are studying the effects of our behaviors and choices to determine scientifically what contributes to our happiness.  While places like Esalen, Asilomar, and countless other centers providing introspective seminars give us the time to decompress and examine what it is we are lacking in our lives so that we may ultimately feel fulfilled.

Finding those triggers for happiness can be easy for some; pursuing hobbies that thrill or provide much needed quiet, alone time.  For others it can be daunting to figure out what is keeping them from enjoying the present, a long-known movement gaining momentum called mindfulness.  Here are seven key factors to establishing full-blown joy and excitement in life.

Knowing Your Limits

Believe it or not, people actually respect limits more than those who bend-over-backward to accommodate them.  The reason is that it is comfortable to know what the structure is and where someone ends and you begin.  We recommend reasonable limit setting in parenting to help kids identify self-reliance, self-discipline and good judgment.  It’s the same principle with adults.

Giving too much of yourself can backfire in terms of emotional endurance and quality of relationships.  Resentments may eventually build that will inevitably degrade the relationship as you attempt to change to a mutually beneficial structure.  Saying no is a different sort of way to say yes to yourself.

Practicing Gratitude

Christine Carter made a case for this in her book Raising Happiness.  She’s not onto anything new here, just reminding us that in a fast-paced culture like ours, it’s easy to forget that gratitude breeds happiness through recognition of what you have.

Traditionally, gratitude has been expressed through grace at meal times, prayer at bedtimes and general service in your community, which really created stakeholders out of citizens.

Being grateful for things large or small creates reinforcement of those neurons in our brain and strengthens the ability to recognize more of it in the future and therefore the likelihood that it will happen again.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is catching on, somewhat as a cliché, but has real merit as younger generations struggle with higher and higher rates of depression and anxiety.  In numbers we have never seen before, the Gen Y and AO generations (Always On) are less able to regulate emotions and follow simple directions due to the level of media interface and intense hands on parenting we have seen develop over the last decade.

Mindfulness tells us to unplug out of everything but the present moment, in order to fully appreciate where we are and what we are experiencing, but also to invest the full scope of our problem solving abilities and creativity; both of which are highly prized by employers.

Making Time

The ability to prioritize is a strong skill in the happy crowd.  Prioritizing means setting goals and clear paths to achieving them.  It also means creating time for the things you know you need and want. 

Such things as reasonable work hours that allow for family time, structured time to pursue passions or hobbies, time set aside to spend with those you love and fill you up (either friends or family) and time alone to recharge.  Having something of yourself to reinvest in relationships or work, comes first from devoting any amount of time you can to recharging your batteries.

Take some time to jot down the list of things you want to do and feel excited about or motivated when they come to mind.  Perhaps it means spending more time in nature/hiking, engaging in art creatively, spending time with a pet, more time to read or cook, etc.  The list is only as limited as your imagination.

Confront Your Fears

Fear is a strong motivator.  It keeps us from doing stupid things we suspect will endanger us, but it also prevents us from engaging in things that promote growth and resolution. 

Fear can be the block that keeps us from resolving conflict or taking a chance on a challenge like a job interview/promotion, the Iron Man competition or travel to the exotic locale that rounds out our bucket list.  When fear is indulged, it creates regret and sometimes resentment and that will lead to depression.  Confronting fears and changing the negative self-talk that accompanies them shatters the barriers to happiness.

Optimizing Control

One of the most potent skills I have helped people learn in session involves understanding that you cannot control anyone but yourself.  It’s a simple construct yet very elusive, particularly when struggling with grief and major life transitions that happen without our permission.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission” which speaks to the notion of control.  We cannot control others and through that attempt we encourage destructive behaviors and self-defeating thoughts.  Focusing on control over ourselves puts the power back in our hands and unlocks doors of opportunity.

Hopefully as you read through these 6 keys to encouraging happiness you recognized some of your own strengths alongside some new tools to help boost your quality of life and therefore overall happiness.  You are the architect of your life and how you enjoy it.

Women are powerful, and not only because we have the power to reproduce. I believe that is why reproductive rights continue to be political cannon balls when women’s bodies have no business being fodder for campaigns when it realistically is a social issue and ultimately a personal one. Period.

The following article is taken from Amanda Marcotte’s August 27th post on RSN.org (Reader Supported News).  She has stated my feelings on the issue so well, rather than try to recreate the same point, I will let her superbly written piece “She’s Just An Easy-Bake Oven” stand for itself:    

In the aftermath of the mass shooting in Aurora, Colorado, I am surprised by the copy-cat behavior reported in the news. Have you ever heard of this before? Normally this type of copying is only seen in the aftermath of a suicide, therefore the media’s hush hush approach on the subject.  After Senator Gabrielle Giffords shooting, I don’t recall hearing about any copy-cating in the media. That doesn’t mean that insensitive threats weren’t probably made in passing, just like the recent reportings of subsequent Batman screenings.

I’m floored by the increasing frequency of inappropriate comments and behavior that mimicks the Aurora massacre. The similarities don’t stop with just threatening to be violent, but those threats are taking place in theaters screening the same movie, over several different states. One man I’ve heard of has even gone so far as to bring a gun to the theater and tell people about it ahead of time. That occurred well after the Aurora shooting took place. Another threatened he “should open fire like the guy in Colorado” simply because the movie didn’t start on time.

What’s happening to our society that people have willingly ridden the coattails of maniacs? What purpose is it serving for them to act out in this way? Any behavior we engage in is driven by purpose with the goal of attaining acceptance/approval, respect, valuation or companionship. All in all, measures of success. I don’t think we can boil this down to the economy this time. Sure, sure, dire straights produce dire results, but the economy has shown signs of improvement and these acts are moreso an indication of deeper pathological issues than socio-economic status.

Christian Bale’s appearance at Aurora area hospitals as himself to demonstrate concern and solidarity was commendable. He did this on his own dime and his own time. Good for him. But here’s something I never expected to say out loud: I am concerned that the studio (Warner Bros.) is overreaching in their response. Go ahead, cringe with astonishment at my insensitivity. I am. But consider this: there is now a precedent. These loony tune characters have just been reinforced. Unwittingly, the powerful studios/actors, etc., have just engaged in operant conditioning; a fancy psychological term that describes behavior modification. It’s how you train your dog and to some extent how you discipline your kids, if you’re doing it right.

Warner Bros. cut a trailer from the Batman movie that shows police firing into the crowd. They also withheld ratings findings, agreeing to postpone the release of numbers until an appropriate amount of time has passed in order to honor the victims. At first blush it does seem like the right thing to do but I ultimately don’t see it that way. I am concerned that the results garnered by the nut jobs that have made the news with their calculating insanity, will actually lead to more insanity - as we are now seeing with the increased copy-cating. They will see their destructive behaviors as a measure of control to get notoriety, even infamy based upon the response of powerful Hollywood players.

Have you noticed that post 9/11 there are still images in contemporary movies that portray buildings falling down under attack? The worst civilian attack in our history and it hasn’t stopped filmmakers from using that style in their action films.  Take the Avengers released earlier this year. I felt uncomfortable watching alien airships take down one building after another - in NYC, no less. If that hasn’t stopped because we don’t negotiate with terrorists so they don’t have control over us, why are we changing our behavior now? It will truly be like the release of Arkham Assylum if more reinforcement continues.

By the way, why is it this movie that has sparked all the crazies to come out of the darkness? This is not the first violent movie or even the worst violent movie out there. In fact, Christian Bale has known his 15 minutes of fame for his bad temper and even accusations of violence against his wife and his mother.  Perhaps it has to do with the superhero concept involved. Delusional and/or Narcissistic people often attribute larger than life qualities to themselves. That makes me chuckle at myself because I’m writing a book that has a superhero element to it, so I guess that makes me delusional.

I normally don’t think much about incarceration but I just saw an episode of Modern Marvels on prisons and was fascinated by the rich history.  The correctional system is chock full of juicy tidbits that are made interesting as only the History Channel could make it.

Although the Romans were credited with the first prisons (at least on this show, but hard to imagine that the Chinese or Mesopotamians didn’t have something going on, right?), the Catholic Church is acknowledged as the father of contemporary philosophy regarding incarceration, where clergy or lay people alike were imprisoned for disobeying cannon law.  Extending the church’s symbolic imagery of good vs. evil, the cells were really deep pits where the damned were fed by the worthy from above, simulating the construct of heaven and hell, and if I’m not mistaken created idol worship.  Oops, seems like disregard for the 10 commandments, but they can say a few rosaries and move on.  My pointed feelings on the matter stem from years of Catholic school, so just like the Seinfeld episode, “It’s ok, I’m allowed since I’m one of them!”

It seems just about every religious organization in the U.S. threw their hat in the ring regarding rehabilitating the prison system, centering on two main schools of thought: build walls or open walls.  The latter does not refer to letting society’s most unstable lose to run wild, despite what Reagan did to the psychiatric hospitals in the ‘80’s.  Rather, it refers to the Quaker’s construct that fewer solitary confinement cells and more open spaces with structured, constructive vocational training will rehabilitate and prepare an inmate for release; to be better citizens upon that release.  It is an interesting concept that is debated in the news every time a death penalty case comes to term.  Which, as a resident of the Bay Area was quite common with the proximity to San Quentin, until recently.  Also interesting to me is the meaning of the word penitentiary which comes from the Quaker concept of experiencing penance during incarceration.

This notion of reflecting upon the self as the purpose of incarceration strikes me as a Buddhist perspective and does center on the belief that change can happen given the right circumstances and openness. However, part of the problem is that much of the prison population is made up of two main personality types/disorders: Sociopathic and Antisocial.  By definition personality disorders are characterlogical and therefore pervasive. There is no cure.  At best the individuals with these issues will address them by maintenance therapy but that assumes they will even recognize they have a problem - a rare occurrence in this population.

As a therapist I can attest that the mind runs afoul with self-destructive ideas and actions when under stimulated.  I see it frequently with clients who have learned helplessness from dependance on welfare and self-esteem so thin you could shatter it with a sneeze.  As humans, we have a basic need, programed in our biological hardwiring, to feel needed through companionship and generative through participation in something meaningful, like society.  The current structure of the prison system does not foster this as much as it fosters increased criminality and violence.  Also something my clients corroborate.  I don’t see hardened felons, but in dealing with anger management and domestic violence I get a wide range of offenses and experiences in my room.

The Modern Marvels show demonstrated all the variations of correctional facilities that didn’t work, mostly due to the faults of architecture and unforeseen issues in the planning stages of prisons.  So it left me wondering more about the underlying constructs of the correctional system and the possible solutions for a growing cancer in our social system. Namely, the fact that everything revolves around money, on both sides even.  The inmates have turned to crime most likely out of poverty and poor impulses from low SES and education (not including the afore mentioned personality disorders who will engage the same way no matter what their circumstance) and the system responds based on the governing budgets.  

In the words of Alanis Morisette, isn’t it ironic?

Do you find when you’re in a new situation or environment you can’t help look at all the people around you, and then judge them? “Look at how fat that guy is”, “wow, she’s wearing the wrong thing”, “look at all those tattoos-how trashy”, “is that a celebrity? She doesn’t look as good in person”.

I think people watching is the hidden American past time. Baseball lost some credibility years ago during the strike, so people watching gained some footing. It’s free, convenient and sometimes inflates your ego. You know you do it. Why else do you go to Disneyland or any other theme park? Oh sure, you tell everyone it’s for the kids, but beside secretly enjoying It’s A Small World, you’re also relishing the quiet judgements you get to pass on others. Don’t feel bad, it comes as naturally to us humans as breathing air.

We are designed for competition - survival of the fittest and all that stuff from Biology, Sociology or Anthropology class you forgot about. Women are particularly talented at the skill of observe-critique-internalize. Anthropologically speaking, this trait is required in females to compete for male sperm. And yes, it always does boil down to sex - propagation of the species requires it.

Men, on the other hand, have the better deal; happily going about the business of handing out sperm without a care for who gets it or what the recipients or themselves look like. I mean that’s truly a gift. Imagine ladies, when you go out on a date with your friends or your honey and you don’t care to put on make-up, clothes that coordinate or are even the right size, let alone snag a brush through that federal disaster zone you say is hair. Perhaps I take it too far, yet my 7 year-old son has me front row to the development of manhood and I can say with some authority that the above description will be accurate unless I step in.

This really isn’t meant as an homage to masculine strengths or defects, so I’ll get back on track. Why do we criticize when we people watch? I think the answer is two-fold: 1) it’s an inherent part of biological make-up as homo sapiens to compete and 2) we harbor insecurity. The latter being the “nurture” part of the nature-nurture equation. Our family and culture play rather large roles in shaping our personality and behavior. Families design our attachment styles, such as “secure” because they showed the right amount of appropriate discipline combined with unconditional love. Or the “insecure” because they were inconsistent or downright abusive and the kids didn’t feel accepted. So continuing with the anthropological thread, if your tribe does not accept you, you have an awful time attaching to any relationship since your foundation was never poured stable.

The insecurity that leads to critical judgements of others is born out of this. For those that are reading this and thinking to yourself (hopefully not aloud cause then you look crazy), “I see other’s appearance and feel either sympathy or appreciation”, congratulations! You have secure attachment and should go straight to the hallmark store to show your appreciation of the positive parenting your folks gave you. Being able to feel empathy for an overweight person suggests either personal experience with a similar struggle, or a strong enough sense of self gained through secure attachment that you don’t take the competition personally.

For example, the women that cannot stand another woman looking at “their man”. Well honey, do you want an ugly man or one that commands attention because that attention trickles down to you? I know, you’re not that shallow. But you are. We all are. Beside the inherent preferences babies show for symmetrical faces (read pretty, since that’s science’s way of researching pretty) at birth, we are designed to follow that physical impulse for survival of the species. And no amount of behavior modification will ever change biological impulses - something to keep in mind when casting political votes in the Fall.

People watching allows the insecure a superficial attempt at raising their ego, by temporarily inflating low self-esteem through being critical of others. It’s fleeting, however. They will be back at that theme park next year feeling exactly the same way about themselves and criticizing you for your trashy tattoos and frizzy hair. Take note of my photo, I just referenced my own federal disaster area.

Perhaps We can shift the purpose of people watching to include a deeper appreciation for all the shapes, colors and packages we all come in. Humans are born to compete just like any other animal, but we do it with style and panache. The rich diversity of culture gives us that. And since there are so many different cultures there’s clearly no one right way. Yes, there an unusual amount of obese people in the world and an equal amount of their style-challenged counterparts, but let that be about their lack of impulse control and not about what it says about you.

I will continue to notice the pretty, well-dressed and ugly people when out and about and feel a mixture of inspiration, appreciation and empathy because that’s how I roll (my parents were pretty decent). I have been known to recoil at an ugly baby (think Seinfeld), so I don’t profess perfection. But I can also easily admit that when I go to Disneyland it’s as much for me as my kids and I cry at Conversations With Mr. Lincoln. No idea why.

I was sitting at the salon last week and therefore thumbing mindlessly through the requisite fashion mags there when I came across the recent issue of Bazaar (Harper’s Bazaar before they dropped the full portion of their name) and was confronted by the solitary image of Kate Moss.

Immediately I was offended by the cover simply because of the image of Kate Moss.  The 38 year-old British model who made famous the heroine chic look that took off in the 90’s.  Why did this image offend me?  Not to put too fine a point on it, I don’t like her.  I don’t like her because of what she stands for.  I know nothing about her politics, or how she raises her 10 year-old daughter or anything about her personal lifestyle, and frankly I don’t care.  I am one of those seemingly rare types that do not care about how celebrities, or even politicians, spend their free time.  What I do care about about is what they promote, especially after seeing Miss Representation - see earlier blog entry entitled Girls In The Media.

Here’s what chaps my hide about Ms. Moss: she represents and sells anorexia, drug dependance and recklessness.  THis is all well publicized over the course of the last 20 years.  Now before you go thinking I am one of those saintly GOP ladies who tout family values but who’s husband is cheating with men under the bathroom stall, let me be clear.  I am a Democrat, have had pretty much every conceivable experience out there (except, proud to say anything that would be considered hurtful to others) and have a rather lewd sense of humor.  And as a therapist I am also keenly aware of the impact of modeling, fashion or parental, and the effect that culture has on people, usually through negative self-talk and self-loathing.  

It comes across loud and clear in my therapy room when young girls dress too suggestively and are not aware of what they are suggesting.  Or when women are struggling with self image because they feel they are not measuring up to the standards of beauty promoted by….of course Kate Moss and the beauty magnates that employ her.

Yes the fashion industry, even Hollywood, are the driving forces behind the success of these people, but the buck stops with the consumer.  After all, freedom of choice lies squarely in our G-d-given free will and maybe our lack of impulse regulation.  It is so easy to go after what is immediately gratifying after all.

But I can’t see the editor of Bazaar in these pages, I see only the skeletal image of Kate and the rock she rests on.  I also can’t see the table of contents to find the month of this publication so that feels very manipulative as well - as if fashion and what is hip transcends all time and space now that we should disregard all previous publishing standards.  It took me 6 minutes to locate the June/July issue stamp 20+ pages in!  It used to be on the spine of the publication.

Why the heck should I care about Kate Moss?  Because this women seems to have an incredible amount of power and influence.  Despite a sensational cocaine scandal that threatened her career, according to Forbes, Moss has earned more money since her cocaine scandal than ever before: her 2004–2005 earnings were $5 million and her 2005–2006 earnings were $8 million. In 2007, with estimated earnings of $9 million, she was the second highest paid model in the world, behind Gisele Bündchen (Wikipedia).  I need to care about this woman because my daughter will be paying attention eventually and will have to decide for herself whether she strives to be like Kate Moss or Kate Winslet.  I believe the latter to be a far better role model, both in sophistication and physicality.

You need to care about Kate Moss because of what she sells, and I don’t mean the products.  Most of us will never remember what many of these models have represented/sold cause we remember usually the image and how it made us feel rather than the product.  That is what the marketing firms are going for, to sell a feeling since it lasts longer than the 30 second snippet of a commercial or glance at a catalog.  Ironic that we end up putting so many dollars toward the images that make us feel badly about ourselves in the fantasy that it will help us feel differently. 

I am appalled that the spread on Kate Moss is an astonishing 12 or so pages long and there are a couple separate ads within the magazine for other products.  There’s no escaping this bony woman!  There is no escaping the cultural phenomenon that a woman is supposed to embody the Madonna and the whore (a starving whore) and even then is airbrushed into fantasy even further.  The images being sold are unattainable.

However, the drug addictions, sexual self-destruction, eating disorders and self-rage that result are quite attainable and undersold in the distorted reality of the media.

We need to care about Kate Moss a great deal.  She has resurrected as the phoenix does and gone on to a successful business, re-establishing her modeling career after the drugs and designing fashion herself.  Not everyone will be able to reap those rewards when their consequences hit.

Did you happen to catch Tiger Woods amazing chip in the Memorial tournament yesterday?  It was truly an amazing shot, and worthy of his reputation as the best golfer in the world.  It also got me thinking about the flip side of his talent, his very public struggles - as most celebrities trigger us to think about the duality of positive and negative.

I wondered if being Tiger Woods was worth it.  I asked my husband what he thought and his answer was quite simple, “I don’t have that kind of drive to push myself that hard, in order to be happy.”  He’s right, that in order to feel good about himself, Tiger has to push himself to extremes to be happy or sated.  And that began quite early.  I believe Tiger Woods began golf before the tender age of 5, pushed by his father, and what a treasure trove of psychological material that must be!  I cannot fathom pushing my son, who’s 6 at the time of this posting, to be that good at anything. And this kid lives and breathes baseball and basketball. The cost to him would be too great, and that’s what triggered my query about whether being Tiger Woods is worth it.  

Yes, he is quite comfortable financially, never needing to worry about making his monthly obligations.  Yes, he has fame, notoriety and influence.  And yes, he is reputed to be the best golfer the game has ever seen; I think some even argue the best athlete, but I have trouble identifying golfers as athletes, and that may be for a different post.  But are all the consequences of these labels worth it?  His consequences have come at a high price; the harder they come, the harder they fall, the old adage goes.

I believe that people who seek out this level of mastery, which inevitably includes fame, power and money, also possess a higher than normal level of testosterone.  There are some women who rank in this category (perhaps Meg Whitman, Hillary Clinton, etc.), but usually we see men achieving great heights both from the talents they possess and the pedestals we put them on.  Tiger Woods is a great example of this.  Currently he has tied Jack Nicklaus for tournament wins and is lead by only one other golfer, Sam Snead.  By all appearances he had the perfect life: rich, talented, beautiful wife, beautiful & healthy children and an office most people would kill for.  Here is where we are lead astray - the concept of perfection.  It does not exist, not to put too fine a point on it.  Even in nature, who demonstrates the yin-yang principle so beautifully with the extremes of mother nature, perfection does not exist.  We cannot have the good without the bad or we would have to redefine the good altogether.

Men like Tiger Woods possess a larger than normal level of testosterone which allows them to achieve lofty goals and yield power.  It also has a downside: difficulty controlling impulses, namely that of achieving more power and sexuality.  After all folks, we are still animals with the innate need to procreate, regardless of what the conservative right says!  Hardwiring for that level of achievement also comes with achievements that our culture frowns upon, but is necessary in the biological make-up of people capable of handling power.  We can look to the behavior of many President’s of our country for further proof.

Back to my earlier point about the costs not being worth pushing my 6 year-old into this level of mastery.  To gain anything we need to ask ourselves what will the costs be and are they worth it.  It is clear to me that my son having a drastically different childhood experience that separates him from his peers for the rest of his life is a pretty big consequence, and one that never really gets better. Childhood is the natural time to learn how to navigate the rigors of relationship with it’s myriad rules and expectations.  Emotional intelligence is mastered through things like secure attachment, consistent family support, and healthy relationships.  What will he gain form practicing basketball until the blisters on his feet are permanent?  Perhaps a shot at a profession level team with a crazy salary, but also the inability to relate to people around him.  both because of the money he would make, and his preoccupation with achievement that creates a vacuum for social skills.  A lot of the research coming from happiness studies (like the Great Good Society in Berkeley, CA.) is consistently demonstrating that happiness is achieved best through recognizing what’s working in your life (optimism), healthy social skills and relationships. While Malcolm Gladwell has posited that it takes 10,000 hours to achieve mastery in any one thing, I am perfectly content to allow myself and my kids the luxury of leisure and joy in the hear and now as it will serve us better in the long run.  And like my husband said, I don’t need the notoriety and power to feel happy.  I wonder what Tiger would say to this question?